Taming Inner Turmoil

by Trista Schoonmaker

Most of us know what interpersonal conflict feels like—when tension with another person leaves us unsettled, angry, or frustrated. But what about those times when the turmoil inside us isn’t tied to a specific person we can talk to?

That’s inner turmoil.

Lately, working with federal government clients facing an uncertain and often harsh future, I’ve noticed how similar inner turmoil feels to interpersonal conflict—yet the two are not the same. Understanding the difference can help us build resilience.

What Triggers It

Both inner turmoil and interpersonal conflict begin with a trigger. Sometimes it’s personal—an interaction, a disagreement, a misunderstanding. That’s interpersonal conflict, and there are clear strategies for navigating it.

But sometimes the trigger comes from the larger environment—things you can’t sit down and talk through:

• A natural disaster

• Political upheaval

• A financial crisis or public health emergency

• A cultural shift that challenges your core beliefs

• News of injustice, oppression, or violence

The emotional impact feels just as real, but the pathways to resolution look very different.

Who do you talk to when political decisions made far away shatter your plans for life?  Who do you yell at when floods destroy the future you’re trying to build?

Offloading the Discomfort of Powerlessness

Inner turmoil can leave us feeling powerless because there are limited pathways for impactful actions that can resolve the larger environmental circumstances that created it. 

Most of us don’t respond well to that feeling of powerlessness.  We instinctively look for ways to offload the discomfort it provokes.  What might that look like? 

• Yelling at TV news—or perhaps at people who believe those reports

• Withdrawing into numbing behaviors like drinking, emotional eating, etc.

• Doomscrolling until 2am

• Ruminating endlessly over life choices or imagined futures

• Tossing eggs at your neighbor’s Tesla when they aren’t looking

These behaviors may provide a brief release, but they don’t resolve anything. Worse, they can spark new interpersonal conflicts that weren’t part of the original turmoil.

The EQ Edge

If we can’t resolve the external circumstances, the work becomes internal. Here’s where emotional intelligence offers a roadmap.

Most EQ models include four quadrants: self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, and relationship management. With interpersonal conflict, we draw on all four—knowing ourselves, regulating emotions, reading others, and managing relationships.

With inner turmoil, the focus shifts inward:

• Self-awareness:  Untangle the swirl of emotions beneath the surface. Your anger may also include fear, disappointment, or sadness. Naming what’s really there is the first step to slowing the swirl.  Questions to ask:

  • What’s driving me in this moment?

  • What values feel threatened?  

  • What stories am I telling about my own life and other people?

• Self-management:  Shift from fueling the swirl to calming it. This means using strategies to calm and reframe so you can choose behaviors aligned with your deeper values, not your sense of powerlessness.  Questions to ask:

  • How can I find learning in all of this?

  • What actions can I take that will serve my core values?

  • How do I want to show up in this time?  

For many people I’ve worked with, this distinction between interpersonal conflict and inner turmoil helps explain the unrest they’ve been carrying. More importantly, it points to the inner work required to move forward.

Building conflict resilience isn’t just about managing difficult conversations with others. It’s also about managing the inner storms we face when the world feels unsteady. By practicing self-awareness and self-management, we not only calm inner turmoil—we strengthen the very skills we’ll need when conflict with others inevitably arises.

That’s resilience: learning to navigate both the outer tensions with others and the inner turmoil within ourselves.