Want to Expand Your Empathy? Widen Your Circle
by Irvine Nugent
When I released my book Leadership Lessons From The Pub, one of the first questions people asked me was, “What does a pub have to do with leadership?” To answer that, you have to understand that a pub is far more than just a place to grab a drink—it’s a symbol of community, connection, and belonging.
Growing up, my father used to say, “I’m not in the business of selling drinks; I’m offering a home where everyone is welcome.” That sentiment stuck with me. The pub he ran wasn’t just a business—it was a haven. It was a place where neighbors and strangers alike could gather, share stories, and just be themselves. It was a space where people felt safe enough to be vulnerable, where acceptance wasn’t conditional on status, background, or perfection. Warts and all, everyone had a seat at the table.
What struck me most was how naturally people welcomed others into that space. When someone new walked into the pub, it didn’t take long before someone struck up a conversation, asking their name, where they were from, or what brought them in. Sure, that level of curiosity might make some people uncomfortable—but it came from a genuine place. It was never about interrogation. It was about inclusion.
And this, I believe, is one of the most important—yet overlooked—lessons in leadership: real empathy begins when we widen our circle.
There’s solid research to support this. Studies have shown that the broader and more diverse our social circles are, the stronger our capacity for empathy becomes. That makes intuitive sense—empathy, after all, is the ability to put ourselves in someone else’s shoes. But it’s hard to do that if we never encounter people with different stories, different struggles, or different perspectives.
I grew up in Northern Ireland during the height of The Troubles. It was a time when division wasn’t just political—it was personal. Communities became closed off, and conversations only happened within echo chambers. We only engaged with people who looked like us, thought like us, and believed what we believed. Empathy didn’t stand a chance in that environment.
Unfortunately, I see some of those same patterns playing out in the U.S. today. Civil discourse has deteriorated. Many people are pulling back into increasingly narrow communities—both in real life and online—where opposing views aren’t just questioned, but condemned. The result? Our ability to empathize is fading. We see others not as fellow humans, but as threats or strangers.
This is not just a social problem—it’s a leadership problem. Leaders must lead with empathy. They must have the courage to listen before judging, to understand before reacting. And they must create spaces—like the pub—where people feel safe enough to be real. Where diversity of thought and experience is not just tolerated but embraced.
Over the years, my work has brought me into contact with all kinds of people—from CEOs to frontline workers, from activists to veterans. And you know what I’ve found? Strip away the surface, and you’ll find that we’re all more alike than we are different. We all carry dreams, fears, passions, and pain. That shared humanity is the foundation of empathy.
So if you're looking to expand your empathy—whether as a person or as a leader—start by widening your circle. Invite someone new into your “pub.” Ask questions. Listen deeply. Be curious. Because the more people we truly see, the more our hearts begin to understand.
Empathy isn’t a switch to flip. It’s a muscle to build. And like any muscle, it grows with use—and with community.
Questions Leaders Ask
In this week's Conflict EQ Lens, we explore how empathy grows through connection, curiosity, and expanding our circles. As leaders, our ability to understand others is shaped not only by our intentions but also by the diversity of experiences and perspectives we choose to engage with.
What is empathy and why is it important for leaders?
Empathy is the ability to understand and appreciate another person's experiences, feelings, and perspectives. For leaders, empathy helps build trust, strengthen relationships, improve communication, and create environments where people feel valued and understood. Empathy does not require agreement—it requires a willingness to understand.
Can empathy be developed?
Yes. Empathy is a skill that can be strengthened through intentional practice. One of the most effective ways to build empathy is by interacting with people whose experiences, backgrounds, or perspectives differ from our own. Exposure to different viewpoints helps expand our understanding of the world and challenges assumptions we may not even realize we hold.
Why is it difficult to empathize with people who think differently than we do?
People naturally feel more comfortable around those who share similar beliefs, experiences, and values. When we encounter different perspectives, our brains may interpret that difference as discomfort or even threat. Curiosity helps overcome this tendency. By seeking to understand rather than immediately evaluate, we create space for empathy to grow.
How does expanding your social circle increase empathy?
When we regularly engage with people from different backgrounds, industries, cultures, generations, or life experiences, we gain a broader understanding of how others see the world. These interactions help humanize perspectives that may initially seem unfamiliar and strengthen our ability to connect across differences.
What role does curiosity play in empathy?
Curiosity is often the doorway to empathy. When we ask thoughtful questions and genuinely listen to the answers, we learn more about another person's experiences, motivations, and challenges. Curiosity shifts our focus from judging to understanding, which is essential for building meaningful relationships and navigating conflict effectively.
How can leaders create a culture of belonging?
Leaders create belonging by fostering environments where people feel welcomed, respected, and safe to contribute. This includes encouraging diverse viewpoints, listening actively, demonstrating respect, and helping people feel that their experiences and perspectives matter. A culture of belonging strengthens trust, collaboration, and engagement.
What is Conflict EQ?
Conflict EQ is the ability to remain grounded, curious, and constructive when tension, disagreement, or difficult conversations arise. Empathy is a core component of Conflict EQ because it allows us to understand perspectives different from our own, navigate conflict more effectively, and build stronger relationships across differences.