The Path Around It
I first encountered Robert Frost's poem The Road Not Taken in high school.
Like many students, I read it as a poem about choices. What stayed with me were the opening lines:
"Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both..."
At the time, I thought the poem was about choosing the right path. Looking back, what strikes me now is something different: every choice is also a decision not to go somewhere else.
I've found myself thinking about that idea when it comes to conflict.
Most people think avoidance is obvious. They picture someone refusing to have a conversation or pretending a problem doesn't exist. In my experience, avoidance is usually much more subtle.
Years ago, I found myself becoming increasingly frustrated with someone I worked closely with. There was no major disagreement between us, just a series of small moments that didn't sit right. Each time, I told myself the issue wasn't important enough to address. I needed more information. The timing wasn't right. It would probably resolve itself.
Months later, I realized I had spent far more time thinking about the issue than it would have taken to discuss it.
The frustration hadn't disappeared. It had simply gone underground.
Looking back, what interests me most is not that I avoided the conversation, but how I avoided it. I didn't refuse to engage. I simply found a series of perfectly reasonable reasons to take a different path.
The more leaders I work with, the more I see this pattern. Avoidance often disguises itself as patience, professionalism, understanding, or giving someone the benefit of the doubt. Sometimes those things are exactly what the situation requires. Sometimes they are simply a more comfortable route around tension.
The challenge is that unresolved issues rarely stay still. They shape assumptions, influence future interactions, and slowly add weight to relationships. By the time the issue finally surfaces, it often carries far more significance than it did originally.
I've come to believe that the most useful question is not whether we avoid conflict. Most of us are quick to answer that.
A better question is: How do I step around it?
Because everyone has a path they tend to take when tension appears.
The difficult part is recognizing it while we're still on it.
The Path Around It: Q&A
What is the central idea of this article?
Conflict avoidance is often less obvious than we think. Instead of refusing to engage, we frequently find reasonable ways to step around tension rather than address it directly.
Why do people avoid conflict?
Most people avoid conflict because tension feels uncomfortable, uncertain, or risky. Avoidance can temporarily reduce discomfort, even when it doesn't solve the problem.
Is conflict avoidance always obvious?
No. Avoidance often disguises itself as patience, professionalism, understanding, gathering more information, or waiting for better timing.
Why can avoidance feel justified?
Because the reasons often sound reasonable. We tell ourselves the issue is too small, the timing is wrong, or the situation will resolve itself without intervention.
What happens when conflict is avoided?
The issue rarely disappears. Instead, frustration, assumptions, and unresolved concerns accumulate beneath the surface and influence future interactions.
Why do small issues become bigger over time?
When concerns remain unspoken, people continue to interpret events through the lens of unresolved tension. Over time, the issue gains emotional weight and significance.
How does avoidance affect workplace relationships?
Avoidance can create misunderstandings, reinforce negative assumptions, and gradually erode trust, making future conversations more difficult.
What is the key question leaders should ask themselves?
Instead of asking, "Do I avoid conflict?" leaders should ask, "How do I step around it?" This helps reveal their personal avoidance patterns.
Why is self-awareness important in conflict avoidance?
Self-awareness helps people recognize the rationalizations and habits they use to avoid tension before those patterns create larger problems.
What is the key leadership lesson from this article?
Effective leaders learn to recognize their preferred path around conflict and develop the courage to address issues while they are still small and manageable.
What is Conflict EQ?
Conflict EQ is the capacity to recognize when you are avoiding tension, understand the stories you're telling yourself about why, and engage difficult conversations before unresolved issues gain unnecessary weight.
What is the main takeaway?
Conflict rarely grows because of the original issue alone—it grows because we take repeated paths around it instead of through it.
About the Author
Dr. Irvine Nugent, Ph.D., CSP is Co-Founder of Conflict EQ, a workplace conflict keynote speaker, executive coach, certified workplace mediator, and author of the award-winning Leadership Lessons From the Pub. He helps leaders and organizations build Conflict Capacity™—the ability to remain clear, calm, and constructive under pressure. Drawing on research and decades of leadership experience, Irvine equips leaders with practical strategies to navigate difficult conversations, strengthen relationships, and lead with confidence when the stakes are highest.
About The Conflict EQ Lens
The Conflict EQ Lens is the official thought leadership newsletter from Conflict EQ. Each edition explores workplace conflict, leadership under pressure, emotional intelligence, and difficult conversations, translating research and real-world experience into practical insights leaders can apply immediately. Our goal is to help leaders develop the mindset, skills, and Conflict Capacity™ needed to communicate effectively, make better decisions, and build healthier, more resilient organizations.
About Conflict EQ
Conflict EQ helps leaders and organizations transform the way they navigate workplace conflict. Through leadership development, executive coaching, keynote speaking, and consulting, Conflict EQ equips individuals and teams with the skills and Conflict Capacity™ to remain clear, calm, and constructive under pressure. We believe conflict is inevitable—but with the right capacity, it can become a catalyst for stronger relationships, better decisions, and lasting organizational success.
Learn more at www.conflicteq.com.