Taming Inner Turmoil
by Trista Schoonmaker
Most of us know what interpersonal conflict feels like—when tension with another person leaves us unsettled, angry, or frustrated. But what about those times when the turmoil inside us isn’t tied to a specific person we can talk to?
That’s inner turmoil.
Lately, working with federal government clients facing an uncertain and often harsh future, I’ve noticed how similar inner turmoil feels to interpersonal conflict—yet the two are not the same. Understanding the difference can help us build resilience.
What Triggers It
Both inner turmoil and interpersonal conflict begin with a trigger. Sometimes it’s personal—an interaction, a disagreement, a misunderstanding. That’s interpersonal conflict, and there are clear strategies for navigating it.
But sometimes the trigger comes from the larger environment—things you can’t sit down and talk through:
A natural disaster
Political upheaval
A financial crisis or public health emergency
A cultural shift that challenges your core beliefs
News of injustice, oppression, or violence
The emotional impact feels just as real, but the pathways to resolution look very different.
Who do you talk to when political decisions made far away shatter your plans for life? Who do you yell at when floods destroy the future you’re trying to build?
Offloading the Discomfort of Powerlessness
Inner turmoil can leave us feeling powerless because there are limited pathways for impactful actions that can resolve the larger environmental circumstances that created it.
Most of us don’t respond well to that feeling of powerlessness. We instinctively look for ways to offload the discomfort it provokes. What might that look like?
Yelling at TV news—or perhaps at people who believe those reports
Withdrawing into numbing behaviors like drinking, emotional eating, etc.
Doomscrolling until 2am
Ruminating endlessly over life choices or imagined futures
Tossing eggs at your neighbor’s Tesla when they aren’t looking
These behaviors may provide a brief release, but they don’t resolve anything. Worse, they can spark new interpersonal conflicts that weren’t part of the original turmoil.
The EQ Edge
If we can’t resolve the external circumstances, the work becomes internal. Here’s where emotional intelligence offers a roadmap.
Most EQ models include four quadrants: self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, and relationship management. With interpersonal conflict, we draw on all four—knowing ourselves, regulating emotions, reading others, and managing relationships.
With inner turmoil, the focus shifts inward:
Self-awareness: Untangle the swirl of emotions beneath the surface. Your anger may also include fear, disappointment, or sadness. Naming what’s really there is the first step to slowing the swirl. Questions to ask:
What’s driving me in this moment?
What values feel threatened?
What stories am I telling about my own life and other people?
Self-management: Shift from fueling the swirl to calming it. This means using strategies to calm and reframe so you can choose behaviors aligned with your deeper values, not your sense of powerlessness. Questions to ask:
How can I find learning in all of this?
What actions can I take that will serve my core values?
How do I want to show up in this time?
For many people I’ve worked with, this distinction between interpersonal conflict and inner turmoil helps explain the unrest they’ve been carrying. More importantly, it points to the inner work required to move forward.
Building conflict resilience isn’t just about managing difficult conversations with others. It’s also about managing the inner storms we face when the world feels unsteady. By practicing self-awareness and self-management, we not only calm inner turmoil—we strengthen the very skills we’ll need when conflict with others inevitably arises.
That’s resilience: learning to navigate both the outer tensions with others and the inner turmoil within ourselves.
Conflict EQ Q&A
In this week's Conflict EQ Lens, we explore the difference between interpersonal conflict and inner turmoil. While conflict often involves another person, inner turmoil is the tension we experience when circumstances, uncertainty, or events beyond our control create emotional distress. Understanding the difference can help us respond more effectively and build resilience.
What is inner turmoil?
Inner turmoil is emotional distress, tension, or conflict that occurs within us rather than between us and another person. It often involves feelings such as fear, uncertainty, frustration, sadness, helplessness, or anxiety about situations that cannot be easily changed or resolved.
How is inner turmoil different from interpersonal conflict?
Interpersonal conflict involves tension between people and often includes disagreements, misunderstandings, competing needs, or communication challenges. Inner turmoil originates within the individual and is frequently connected to circumstances, uncertainty, loss, or situations outside of their direct control.
What causes inner turmoil?
Inner turmoil can be triggered by major life changes, economic uncertainty, political events, organizational change, health concerns, personal loss, natural disasters, or situations that challenge deeply held values, beliefs, or expectations.
Why does inner turmoil feel so overwhelming?
Inner turmoil often creates a sense of powerlessness. Unlike interpersonal conflict, where a conversation may help move things forward, many sources of inner turmoil cannot be immediately changed or resolved. This lack of control can intensify emotional distress and increase anxiety.
How do people commonly respond to inner turmoil?
People often try to reduce discomfort through avoidance, emotional eating, excessive screen time, doomscrolling, overworking, substance use, constant worrying, or directing frustration toward other people. While these behaviors may provide temporary relief, they rarely address the underlying emotions.
How can emotional intelligence help manage inner turmoil?
Emotional intelligence helps people develop greater self-awareness and self-management. Rather than reacting automatically, individuals learn to recognize their emotions, understand what is driving them, and choose responses that align with their values and long-term goals.
What is the first step in managing inner turmoil?
The first step is self-awareness. Naming emotions accurately often reduces their intensity. Many people initially identify anger but later discover fear, grief, disappointment, uncertainty, or sadness beneath the surface. Understanding what is truly being experienced creates more options for responding effectively.
What questions can help increase self-awareness?
Helpful reflection questions include:
What am I feeling right now?
What values feel threatened?
What story am I telling myself about this situation?
What part of this is within my control?
What part of this is outside my control?
How can I manage emotions when circumstances cannot be changed?
Focus on what remains within your influence. While you may not be able to change the larger situation, you can choose how you respond, where you direct your energy, how you care for yourself, and how you show up for others. Small actions often restore a greater sense of agency and stability.
What is the connection between inner turmoil and Conflict EQ?
Conflict EQ is the ability to remain grounded and constructive under pressure. While it is often associated with difficult conversations, Conflict EQ also applies to the inner tensions we experience. Developing self-awareness and self-management strengthens our ability to navigate uncertainty, regulate emotions, and remain aligned with our values when life feels unsteady.
What is one simple practice for managing inner turmoil?
When you feel overwhelmed, pause and ask: "What is within my control right now?" Then identify one meaningful action you can take today. Focusing on the next constructive step often reduces feelings of helplessness and helps restore a sense of stability.