What Are You Carrying Into Today?
by Dr. Irvine Nugent, CSP, PCC
I was recently in Duck, North Carolina, for a business retreat. The ocean was 81 degrees, which is pretty much my idea of an invitation.
I loved going into the water at sunrise. There was something special about being out there as the light spread across the ocean, before the conversations and commitments of the day began. I came away feeling refreshed and renewed.
It reminded me of the Hawaiian chant E Ala E:
E ala e, ka lā i ka hikina
Awaken, arise, the sun in the east.
What I love about this chant is the invitation to awaken with the day. Standing in the water that morning, I felt refreshed and open to what was ahead. It made me wonder what it would take to bring that same openness to a relationship where things have been difficult.
Sometimes we pick up yesterday’s argument before we’ve even picked up our coffee. We remember the comment, rehearse our response, and imagine what they’ll do next. By the time we actually see the person, we’ve already had another round with them in our head.
They say, “Good morning,” and we’re still responding to what they said on Tuesday.
There may be a very good reason we’re carrying it. Something hurt. An agreement wasn’t kept. A concern was brushed aside, and it still needs attention. A new day doesn’t automatically repair any of that.
But I wonder how often we arrive so prepared for the same experience that we leave very little room for a different one.
That’s a place where Conflict EQ becomes practical. We notice what we’re bringing into the interaction: the tightness, the rehearsed reply, the certainty that we already know their intentions. That emotional load can make it harder to listen or think clearly, especially when the day brings pressures of its own.
We can pause long enough to ask:
What still needs to be addressed—and what am I adding through the way I’m anticipating this conversation?
Perhaps the missed deadline needs a direct conversation. The conclusion that “they have no respect for me” needs another look.
Perhaps we need to hold a boundary. We might also need to hear something we were too angry to take in yesterday.
Sometimes beginning again sounds quite ordinary:
“I’ve been thinking about our conversation. I’m still concerned about what happened, and I’d like us to have another go at talking about it.”
There’s room in that sentence for both the unresolved issue and the possibility of movement.
I’d happily prescribe an 81-degree ocean before every difficult conversation, though the logistics would be challenging.
For an ordinary working morning, perhaps we can begin with a moment to notice what we’re carrying and decide how we want to enter the next conversation.
Is there someone you’ll speak with today who you’ve already had an argument with in your head?
What Are You Carrying Into Today?: Q&A
What is the central idea of this article?
We often carry the emotional residue of an earlier conflict into a new interaction. Noticing what we are carrying can help us address what remains unresolved without automatically repeating the same conversation.
How can yesterday’s conflict affect today’s conversation?
It can shape what we expect, notice, and assume before the other person has said anything. We may enter the conversation already defensive, frustrated, or prepared for the same outcome.
What does it mean to carry emotional load into an interaction?
Emotional load can include lingering hurt, anger, disappointment, anxiety, or uncertainty. It may also include the responses we have rehearsed and the conclusions we have reached about the other person’s intentions.
Does beginning again mean ignoring what happened?
No. Beginning again does not require us to dismiss a concern, abandon a boundary, or pretend that trust has been restored. It means making room to address the issue without allowing yesterday’s reaction to determine everything that happens next.
Why do we rehearse difficult conversations in our heads?
Rehearsing can give us a temporary sense of preparation or control. However, it can also strengthen our assumptions and cause us to react to an imagined conversation before the real one has begun.
How can assumptions make conflict more difficult?
Assumptions can narrow our perspective and make us more certain that we already understand the other person’s motives. That certainty can make listening, curiosity, and constructive engagement more difficult.
What should I ask myself before a difficult conversation?
Ask: “What still needs to be addressed—and what am I adding through the way I’m anticipating this conversation?” This helps separate the real issue from the story that may have formed around it.
Can I remain open while still holding a boundary?
Yes. Openness does not mean agreement or passivity. You can listen for new information, remain curious, and still communicate clearly about what you need or what must change.
What is Conflict EQ?
Conflict EQ is the ability to recognize how conflict is affecting what we notice, assume, feel, and do—and to respond more deliberately when tension places us under pressure.
How does Conflict EQ help with unresolved conflict?
Conflict EQ helps us notice the signals and emotional load we are carrying, shift away from automatic reactions, consider a broader perspective, and navigate the unresolved issue more constructively.
How can I reopen a conversation that did not go well?
You might say: “I’ve been thinking about our conversation. I’m still concerned about what happened, and I’d like us to have another go at talking about it.” This acknowledges the unresolved issue while creating an opportunity for movement.
What is the main takeaway?
You do not have to erase yesterday to enter today differently. By noticing what you are carrying, you can decide what needs to be addressed and how you want to show up for the next conversation.
About Dr. Irvine Nugent
Dr. Irvine Nugent, PhD, PCC, CSP, is aninternational keynote speaker, executive coach, workplace mediator, and co-founder of Conflict EQ. He helps leaders and organizations build the capacity to understand conflict clearly, remain deliberate under pressure, engage constructively, and sustain connection.
His work draws on leadership, emotional intelligence, conflict management, and human behavior to help people navigate difficult conversations and workplace conflict more effectively. He is the co-developer of the Conflict-to-Connection Approach and the Conflict EQ Compass, practical models for understanding conflict and choosing constructive action when pressure rises.