Who’s the Unwelcome Visitor?
by Dr. Irvine Nugent, CSP, PCC
Trista and I spent time at the Grand Canyon this summer working with park rangers. I came away with huge admiration for the work they do. There’s a lot involved in caring for a place that so many people come to experience.
We were staying at a hotel near the park entrance. Coming back one day, we noticed an elk standing outside the hotel, beside the parking lot.
My first reaction was something along the lines of: “What are you doing here?”
There was a hotel. A sidewalk. Parking spaces. And an elk, apparently unaware that this arrangement was supposed to be for us.
Then I imagined its side of the conversation.
“Oh, good. More of them. They put a building here, park cars everywhere, and now they’re looking at ME as though I’ve taken a wrong turn.”
Fair point.
I had to laugh at how quickly I’d decided who belonged. I was the one with a temporary reservation.
That little encounter has stayed with me because we do something similar in conflict. We look at a situation from where we’re standing and assume our view is the obvious one.
Someone questions a decision, and we see interference. They may believe they’re raising a concern that should have been considered earlier.
A new manager changes how the team works and sees a necessary improvement. The team sees someone dismantling a process without asking why it exists.
We step in to help. Someone else experiences us taking over.
Each of us can explain our own behavior quite reasonably. It’s the other person’s behavior that needs explaining.
And when tension rises, we can become even more attached to our account of what’s happening. We start collecting evidence. We remember the previous interruption, the email, the look across the table. Before long, we’ve built a convincing case without asking many questions.
In the Conflict EQ Compass, Expand Perspective asks us to widen our understanding beyond that first account.
That can be uncomfortable. It means allowing for the possibility that something we experience as helpful, fair, or necessary is landing very differently with someone else.
A useful place to start is:
How might they describe this situation—and my part in it?
We won’t know until we ask. But even considering the question can change how we enter the conversation.
Instead of opening with, “Why are you making this so difficult?” we might find ourselves saying, “I thought I was helping move this forward, but I get the sense that it didn’t land that way. How did you see it?”
Their answer may reveal something we missed. We may still disagree. We’ll have more to work with than our own assumptions.
The elk, of course, offered no explanation. And despite my imagined commentary, I can’t claim to know what it thought of the two of us returning to our hotel.
But it gave me a useful reminder: I can feel completely at home in my version of events and still have plenty to learn about where I’m standing.
Think of a disagreement you’re in. If the other person were telling the story, where would they begin?
Who’s the Unwelcome Visitor?: Q&A
Why is perspective-taking important in workplace conflict?
Conflict can narrow our attention and make our own interpretation of events feel like the obvious one. Perspective-taking helps us consider what we may be missing, including how another person understands the situation and experiences our behavior. It doesn’t require agreement; it gives us more information to work with.
How can I see a workplace conflict from another person’s perspective?
Start by asking: “If the other person were telling this story, where would they begin?” Consider what they might be concerned about, what they may be trying to protect, and how they might describe your role in the situation. Then test those assumptions by asking rather than assuming you already know.
Does understanding someone else’s perspective mean agreeing with them?
No. Expanding perspective is not the same as giving up your position. You can understand why someone sees a situation differently and still disagree with their conclusion. The goal is to widen your understanding before deciding how to respond.
Understanding another person’s perspective can feel like taking their side, particularly when our beliefs are connected to identity, loyalty, or belonging. However, taking a perspective seriously does not require us to agree with it or abandon our own.
About Dr. Irvine Nugent
Dr. Irvine Nugent, PhD, PCC, CSP, is aninternational keynote speaker, executive coach, workplace mediator, and co-founder of Conflict EQ. He helps leaders and organizations build the capacity to understand conflict clearly, remain deliberate under pressure, engage constructively, and sustain connection.
His work draws on leadership, emotional intelligence, conflict management, and human behavior to help people navigate difficult conversations and workplace conflict more effectively. He is the co-developer of the Conflict-to-Connection Approach and the Conflict EQ Compass, practical models for understanding conflict and choosing constructive action when pressure rises.