How Present Are You?
by Irvine Nugent
Last week, I sat across from my husband Fred at dinner, nodding along to what he was saying. But I wasn't there. Not really. My mind was rehearsing a difficult conversation I needed to have the next day—crafting responses, anticipating reactions, playing out scenarios that hadn't happened yet.
When he paused and asked, "So what do you think?" I had nothing. I couldn't remember a single thing he'd just said.
The look on his face—not anger, but disappointment—stopped me cold. Here was someone I love, offering me his thoughts, his day, his presence. And I was somewhere else entirely.
That moment reminded me why I created the reflection questions you'll find below. Because presence isn't just a nice idea or a mindfulness buzzword. It's the foundation of every meaningful connection we have—at work, at home, in conflict, in joy.
"The present moment is the only time over which we have dominion." — Thích Nhất Hạnh
Presence isn't something we achieve once and hold onto. It's something we practice, lose, and return to—sometimes dozens of times in a single day.
The questions below aren't meant to judge how "good" or "bad" you are at being present. They're invitations to notice patterns. To become curious about where your attention goes when it slips away from the moment in front of you.
As you read through these, resist the urge to score yourself or feel discouraged. Instead, ask: What am I noticing? What wants my attention here?
Ten Questions to Explore Your Presence:
1. I have a tendency to live in the future, projecting into tomorrow, next week, or even years from now.
2. I spend much of my time thinking about the past, replaying conversations or reliving events.
3. While talking with someone, I think of how I'm going to respond rather than listening to what they're saying.
4. I allow my cell phone to interrupt whatever I'm doing.
5. I often hope for something better or different, or worry that something worse will happen.
6. I find myself always busy, with never an empty or spare moment.
7. When I'm feeling uncomfortable in a situation, I change the subject or distract myself.
8. I find it difficult to maintain eye contact when I'm talking with someone.
9. Rather than staying with my emotions and naming them ("I am feeling..."), I attempt to alter or avoid the feelings.
10. When I'm with my family or partner, we watch programs we don't really care about rather than interact with each other
What Now?
If you noticed yourself in several of these patterns, you're not broken—you're human. Our minds are wired to protect us from discomfort, to plan for the future, to analyze the past. Presence isn't about eliminating these tendencies. It's about recognizing them when they pull us away from what matters most.
In my work with teams navigating conflict, I've learned that the quality of our presence determines the quality of our outcomes. The leader who can truly listen—not plan their response, not defend their position, but actually hear what's being said—transforms tension into dialogue.
The team member who can stay with discomfort instead of deflecting it opens the door to genuine understanding. But it starts with noticing. With catching ourselves when we've left. With choosing, again and again, to come back.
Thích Nhất Hạnh's wisdom reminds us that this moment—right now—is the only one over which we truly have dominion. Not to pressure us into perfection, but to invite us back. Again and again.
Where might you practice returning to presence today? In a conversation? During a meal? In a moment of discomfort you'd normally avoid?
The practice isn't to be present all the time. It's to notice when you've left—and to come back.
The next dinner conversation? I was there
Questions Leaders Ask
In this week's Leadership Reflection, we explore the role presence plays in leadership, relationships, and everyday interactions. Many of us assume we are paying attention simply because we are physically present. Yet true presence requires more than being in the room—it requires bringing our attention fully into the moment and the people in front of us.
What does it mean to be present?
Presence is the ability to direct your attention toward the current moment rather than becoming consumed by thoughts about the past, worries about the future, or distractions competing for your attention. Presence allows us to engage more fully with people, conversations, and experiences as they are happening.
Why is it so difficult to stay present?
The human mind naturally moves between reflection, planning, problem-solving, and anticipation. While these abilities are valuable, they can also pull our attention away from the present moment. Technology, busyness, stress, and unresolved concerns often make it even harder to remain fully engaged with what is happening right now.
How can I tell when I am not fully present?
Common signs include rehearsing your response while someone is talking, repeatedly checking your phone, mentally replaying past conversations, worrying about future events, struggling to focus on the current conversation, or realizing you cannot recall what someone has just said. These moments often signal that your attention has drifted elsewhere.
Why is presence important for leaders?
Presence helps leaders listen more effectively, build stronger relationships, make better decisions, and respond thoughtfully rather than react automatically. When people feel genuinely heard and understood, trust increases and communication improves. Presence is often one of the most powerful leadership skills because it shapes the quality of every interaction.
What is the relationship between presence and listening?
Listening requires more than hearing words. It involves giving another person your attention without immediately preparing a response, solving a problem, or shifting the focus back to yourself. Presence creates the conditions that make deep listening possible.
How does being present improve relationships?
Relationships strengthen when people feel seen, heard, and valued. Presence communicates respect and care. Whether at work or at home, giving someone your full attention is one of the clearest ways to demonstrate that they matter.
What can I do when I notice my attention drifting?
Start by noticing without judgment. Simply recognizing that your mind has wandered is a form of awareness. Then gently redirect your attention to the person, conversation, or experience in front of you. Presence is less about never drifting and more about repeatedly returning.
What is Conflict EQ?
Conflict EQ is the ability to remain grounded, curious, and constructive when tension, disagreement, or difficult conversations arise. Presence is a foundational component of Conflict EQ because we cannot fully understand others, regulate ourselves, or navigate conflict effectively if our attention is somewhere else.