The Conflict You Don’t Hear
Book Author: Roisín O'Donnell
Insights by Irvine Nugent
What struck me about Nesting wasn’t a dramatic turning point or a shocking scene. It was how ordinary everything felt—and how quickly ordinary life can unravel.
Ciara’s decision to leave isn’t loud or heroic. It’s practical. Necessary. And once she leaves, the world doesn’t suddenly open up. It narrows. Her days become smaller, more contained, shaped by uncertainty and systems that don’t bend easily. Safety becomes temporary. Stability feels out of reach.
As I was reading, I kept thinking about how often we misunderstand behavior when we don’t understand context.
When someone doesn’t feel safe—physically or emotionally—their nervous system takes over. Patience shortens. Perspective shrinks. Everything feels heavier. That’s not a character flaw. That’s biology. Emotional intelligence teaches us to recognize that stress changes how people show up. Nesting shows us what that looks like up close.
There’s very little overt conflict in this book. No explosive arguments. No obvious villains. And yet conflict is everywhere. It lives in waiting rooms. In hotel corridors. In unanswered questions. It’s the kind of conflict that wears people down quietly.
That matters, because in teams and organizations, conflict often looks the same. Not loud. Not dramatic. Just a slow erosion of energy and trust. People disengage. They comply without commitment. They stop raising concerns because it feels safer to stay silent. Emotional intelligence helps us notice those moments before they harden into resentment.
What stayed with me most was Ciara’s resilience. It isn’t confident or polished. It’s steady. It’s showing up again and again for her children when the system around her offers very little support. There’s no neat arc to it. Just persistence.
I see that kind of resilience all the time at work. In people who carry more than we realize. In colleagues who keep going while managing pressures no one sees. EQ asks us to slow down long enough to notice that strength—and to respond with compassion instead of judgment.
Nesting also quietly reminds us that not all conflict is interpersonal. Sometimes it’s structural. When systems don’t work, the tension lands on people. And we’re quick to coach the individual without questioning the conditions they’re operating in.
By the time I finished the book, I wasn’t thinking about solutions. I was thinking about awareness.
Emotional intelligence often begins there. With noticing. With pausing. With asking better questions before forming conclusions.
Nesting doesn’t offer easy answers—but it does offer a powerful reminder: before we label behavior, before we try to fix conflict, we need to understand the environment shaping it.
That understanding alone can change how we lead—and how we relate to one another.